I can’t be profound at work; I’d be totally misunderstood and I would be thrown in a psych ward. I can’t be profound in a group of friends; people get jealous and end up being dicks (why be envious of something so damn personal to me and sick and unnatractive?). I can’t be profound at home; All the negative responses drag me back into my youth and flip on the switch thats connected to my child-like state of mind. I can’t seem to focus on any one thing. Shit, I’d settle for a focus on 5 things. God didn’t give me enough fingers and toes to count the intertwining neuro-freeways in my head. I don’t like medacine, therefore I’ll probably never become medicated beyond all natural remedies, supplements, and other things that only work if you psych yourself out. I hate that I appear to be complaining every once in a while. I like to think of it as a borderline desperate extension of arms towards a simple fix. I want it all, man. I want to be crazy, but at the same time still be able to make sound decisions. I want to be restlessly inspired, but at the same time still have the energy to actually do something. I want to say I am a writer and actually have a page or two filled with more than lines that were scratched out. I say I embrace change but grovel at the feet of organization. I promise the universe that I will keep my promises to the universe. I bend over backwards for those that refuse to bend in any direction. I manipulate my feelings because they can become a burden. I forcefully abandon emotion which allows me to exist in favorable positions that require emotion, ultimately sabotaging the whole thing anyway. I’ve convinced myself that every thought that aimlessly wanders through my head has to be acted upon. Then I contradict the whole thing by acting upon a subsequent opposite thought. I feel I have to have control and cannot get a grasp on the idea that I have no control. I’m out of control most when I’m fighting for control, which doesn’t make sense, but its easy to do. I value advice so much that I try to apply every piece of it at once, which inevitably causes a trainwreck. All I’m doing is fighting for betterment. I believe it to be one of the major goals I’m supposed to always walk towards. However, the walk has become a struggle that’s left me with holes in my shoes and tired legs.
Oh, feet don’t fail me now. You’ve got pretty women, pretty scenery, and pretty big dreams to conquer.
March 25th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Stop trying to please everyone, Chris. Do what you want to do, and don’t worry how people react, or don’t react. Things aren’t always going to play out the way you imagine them to. I know you want so much to happen NOW, but you’ve got to have patience and just believe that everything is going to be just how you want it to be. However, you probably won’t get to marry 5 women in Utah.
Keep on keepin’ on. You know anytime you want out of the house, or whatever, I am here. I know I’ve been a little pre occupied recently, but I’ll make time for you. That’s what friends are for, right? Best friends, actually. I love you, Christopher. 